The reality when dating sons of Asian immigrant parents in NYC
Technically, you could call me a “FOB” (Fresh Off the Boat) but I am far more westernized to wear the label. I am the 1st in my family to immigrate to America; but I am a 3rd generation South African born Chinese female. I am far more westernized in thinking and speech but by character, I hold onto Chinese traditions wherever I can find them. I moved to New York City (NYC) because of a job opportunity but for all intents and purposes, I wanted to increase my chances of finding an Asian husband because the pool was small in South Africa. I have the personal desire to find an Asian husband so that I can be a little closer to my roots.
Dating in NYC is gut wrenching for any girl, because there are more girls than guys in the city and with the fast paced life, commitment is three syllables too long to breathe. I’ve gone out there using dating apps. I spent one year just saying yes to every date proposed. I went dizzy from meeting all sorts of Asian boys. I concluded that I could not date a “FOB” because I am just not that kind of immigrant. NYC, for some reason, has a lot more 2nd generation Asian Americans than relatable 3rd generation options for me, but I still found that our conversations would last longer and there were more laughs and banter. However, I feel like the way of thinking still differs, when you drop a generational level. I certainly did not want to conduct a study or research paper, but given my sample size, I noticed the trend of “damages” each son of Asian immigrant parents carry with them. These have impacted why I still have not married any of them:
1. Their parents’ absences impacted them.
Asian immigrant parents are notorious for working long, hard hours, everywhere in the world. Especially those in shops or laundromats or dry cleaners. They worked their butts off to survive in America so that their sons could be educated and live the American dream. The downside of that is that one or both parents lose out on spending time with their children. And it shows.
Whilst my parents also raised me in a shop, they kept a watchful eye on me. I spent so many afternoons doing my homework, eating lunches and playing with my brother in the shop. It was sometimes boring but I saw my family all the time. As a result, we are a close knit family. I dream to be married in a similar type of family then. A family that gathers for meals and special occasions — this is a Chinese tradition. The reality with 2nd generational kids is that they hardly saw their family. They do not care for eating meals together, when they never did growing up. Our concepts of family and tradition have butted heads so many times. I dated a 2nd generation Australian born Chinese boy and it was the same story. My conclusion: I admire the Asian immigrant parents for working long, hard hours to give the best for the next generation, but the loss of time spent with their sons is ruining their concepts of family and togetherness.
2. They boast being street smart but they have low self-esteems.
Asian immigrant parents only know of 3 occupations: doctor, lawyer and engineer. If the son is neither of them, they are failures. They are never good enough in the eyes of their parents. Their parents don’t even know the Chinese words for other occupations. As a result, the boys think they are never good enough for their partners, including me. They try to make up for it and act like they are better. They boast their street smarts and puff their chests in my face, but in the dark, they see themselves as failures. Getting them to be real and genuine is so tough when they have not accepted themselves. Asian immigrant parents did not work hard so that their sons could be failures and they rightfully have high expectations, but the damage has caused sons to not think straight about themselves.
I get it. I did not become a gynaecologist my father wanted me to become. But with the next generation of thinking, my father had his own university degree and realized that I was studying really nerdy subjects like Computer Science and Applied Maths, that many girls shy away from. He wound up proud realizing how I was taking on the boys with my smarts. Subsequently, he wants me to marry a real man who is truly confident about himself and who can take me on.
3. Their idea of love is messed up.
Or maybe my idea of love is messed up. My parents’ love story is simple. My dad answered an ad for penpals; met my mom; he taught her English on their dates; and they married for love. I saw them work side by side every day in the shop for as long as I remember.
Asian immigrant parents tend to not have that luxury. The children barely see their parents together and have no idea what brought their parents together. One is cooking in a restaurant while the other is sewing, and they work long hours every day of the week. The sons see this and join the dots that marriage means getting together, having some kids, spending time apart and doing their own thing. Our ideas of love never line up then.
4. They would date a non-Asian if they could.
Most of these boys were raised in Chinatown or in the heart of Asian communities, where their immigrant parents could be accepted and speak their dialects unashamedly. These boys were sent off to schools and universities, spoke English, and were exposed to the free and easy American culture and learned to get embarrassed by their parents’ foreign ways. In doing so, they slowly turned their backs away from being Asian. They spent less time with their parents and would rather eat the exotic foods of the world than boring Chinese food. They wanted to fit in, in America. The sad reality is, in the list of most desired men of the world, Asian boys rank last. There is the strong perception that they are not manly or assertive. Asian boys constantly try to prove that theory wrong and chase the non-Asian American girls. To them, an American girl is exotic. An Asian wife would just remind them of the life they ran away from.
Why would I still choose an Asian boy when they are the most undesirable? Because I grew up in a small town with only one other Asian family. I endured my years of racism. To me, an Asian boy is exotic.
5. They have the fear of missing the next best thing.
In such a populated city, the likelihood of you finding what you want should be high. You can find that special cup of coffee you want or the rice dish you crave from that faraway village from that immigrant who moved here too. And you can find what you want from a girl too, if she is willing. If a boy cannot get what he wants from me, he is sure to find many out there who would happily open their legs. This is the land of temptations and whatever your heart desires. Choice is seen as a lifestyle, not a privilege.
I was moved by one sermon in an NYC church one night and decided to continually go to the church after that. I felt at peace and I made my choice. Many have asked me why didn’t I shop around? Why didn’t I visit other churches and maybe even find a husband that way? I was confused because if I find something that makes me happy, why would I continually look over the fence for the greener grass? But that’s how it is in the city. Why settle for happiness when there are still so many choices waiting to be chosen? What if you miss out on the next best thing? Choice is a lifestyle, not a privilege.
I wrote this to comfort myself about why I am still single at my age, in a city with so many choices of the male species. However, after reviewing what I wrote, this amazingly makes sense to me. I know that I may be generalizing Asian American boys here and that would be unfair to all of them, but again, given my sample size, I say it as I see it. There are psychological consequences of moving countries. I get it. I am an immigrant too now, relying on my education to get ahead and am in constant survival mode. But I already mastered the English language and the westernized nuances of life. Maybe I will have a son one day and he will have psychological damages like these boys. I hope not if I am able to identify these things now. But gosh, I hope I find my dream husband first before thinking that far ahead. The wait is going to be long.
